Sticks and Stones and Imprinting

I'm going to keep this as brief as I can. There is so much to say and nothing to say at all. I can't sleep. Food is the last thing on my mind. I can't feel anything but this rock in the pit of my stomach and this hole in my chest, and I don't know how or if it can be fixed.

Its not that I didn't know what I was getting into when I fell in love with Quil. I did. And I didn't mean to fall in love with him, but I did. And now I'm stuck because I love him more than I every should have let myself and I don't regret it at all. How could I have not fallen for him when he is exactly perfect for me. Except, someone in the fate department of life decided maybe I'm not perfect for him. Or maybe I am.

Its no secret that I've never been a fan of imprinting, even with all of the good things that everyone who has imprinted has said. I don't understand or like it. That's not to say I don't love Claire. I LOVE Claire! She is all those things that Quil will tell you she is. And, yes, there is a big part of me that would like to stop, or change imprinting if I could. I wouldn't ever want to be his imprint, that's not what I mean. I've always loved that Quil can choose to be with me, but... now that he can't. *sighs* I wouldn't change it because I couldn't ever do that to him, but I wish it wasn't there because I know how I feel about him and if its even a fraction of what he feels for Claire, its enough to know we have something worth fighting for.

I've never wanted to take him from her. I couldn't and I wouldn't do that to either of them, but I need him so much. I mean, how am I supposed to see him and not want to touch him? How, after 2 years, am I going to not want to fall asleep next to him or wake up to that warm, soft way he smells and how he pulls me closer. And what about just having fun or watching movies or being at the beach and being US? How can I do that and pretend, now, that I'm not in love with him. It won't go away. I know it won't.

And then he thinks I can just go find someone who loves me? He loves me. And he knows me the way that no one else could ever know. He's been there through some crazy things. He's a wolf and he understands how life is when you have that as part of you. I couldn't just go find someone I could be myself around. I would have to lie, and pretend, and never be me. I would have to hide where I am, who I am, what I am and how I feel about Quil. Its no good and its not something that is going to happen.

He's all that I want and all that I need. I can't just let him go.

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