Just Your Ordinary Shape Shifting Girl

I need to get all of my thoughts and feelings out and I don't have anyone I can tell who won't try to tell me again that I'm crazy or that I'm doing the right thing. There is so much going on inside my head and heart that shouldn't be and there isn't anything that feels right, no matter which way I look. Have you ever felt like no matter what you do, you're doing it wrong? Like making what is supposed to be the best, most logical and simplest choice is also the wrong choice? That's where I am right now. Josh and I are engaged. He asked me to marry him and I nodded yes with my head in a hurricane of thoughts that didn't completely connect to my head bobbing. He was looking at me with those clear blue eyes and he was so hopeful and happy and, well, I nodded. Josh would do anything for me and he has been more than forgiving with everything I have put him through. It's not like I have tried to be awful to him but if I'm honest, I have. It start...

So to get right down to it, I've been kinda, sorta seeing this guy who has been a friend of mine for a few years now. He's gorgeous and much nicer to me than he should be. He listens to me go on and on about stuff that literally no one cares about except me and pretends to be interested. He is sweet and fun to be around and I should be totally into him and in love. ..... But I'm not. I mean, I like him and he's really nice. We have fun together but I don't have that "zap" or those butterflies that I should have at this stage of the game. I'm doing my best to see if I can make things come around but when I look at Josh, I just see this guy who I don't want to hurt or say goodbye to but who I also know isn't who I need. I don't really know how to make you understand without giving examples so here. This is what I mean. He kisses me; I kiss his cheek. He asks me to come over and to stay and I crash on the couch. We haven't... you kno...

Ive been thinking over how to properly explain how amazing my  Christmas was. It only took me 6 weeks but I think I finally figured it out. I'm not sure you'll understand but I'm going to give it a shot anyway so bear with me. First, I decided to stand up to the crap that is going to Seattle one day, then home, then back to Seattle to fly out to Portland. What's that saying? ... Just say no? Yes! I said no to my parents and stayed home. In MY home with my own Christmas tree in my own house with my best friend and I loved every second of it. Its been a crazy few months with all of the boss drama at work and managing the money I got in my pretend law suit, but I knew two things I wanted to do from the get go.  First and foremost, I didn't want anyone knowing I had money. Only Quil Old Quil, and me. I still don't. The money is all put away now or invested in buying the Buzz, but its hidden and that's the way I want it. Now, back to my secret mission. I want...