Just Your Ordinary Shape Shifting Girl

I need to get all of my thoughts and feelings out and I don't have anyone I can tell who won't try to tell me again that I'm crazy or that I'm doing the right thing. There is so much going on inside my head and heart that shouldn't be and there isn't anything that feels right, no matter which way I look. Have you ever felt like no matter what you do, you're doing it wrong? Like making what is supposed to be the best, most logical and simplest choice is also the wrong choice? That's where I am right now. Josh and I are engaged. He asked me to marry him and I nodded yes with my head in a hurricane of thoughts that didn't completely connect to my head bobbing. He was looking at me with those clear blue eyes and he was so hopeful and happy and, well, I nodded. Josh would do anything for me and he has been more than forgiving with everything I have put him through. It's not like I have tried to be awful to him but if I'm honest, I have. It start...

I'm overdue on posting this, you're shocked, I know. I was going to write a different blog but in order to keep things in order, this one has to happen first. A ton has happened in my life lately and I owe it to everyone to at least try to keep things up to date here. Lets go back to November, back to Cabo and back to one of the best vacations I've ever taken - like the last time Quil and I went to Cabo a couple of years ago.  We have this annual birthday vacation thing going that is always the most fun I have all year. This year I wasn't sure it would happen since I've been dating Josh but Quil asked me to go to Cabo and I wasn't about to turn him down. We left Washington for a week in the sun to spend some time together doing whatever we wanted. Last time we went we were together and it was a different kind of trip but, despite what everyone expected, we are still super close. We live together and he is my best friend and so much more; I wouldn't have...

I'm going to have to back up to Easter and since its past the Forth of July now, a lot, and also nothing has happened. Actually, I take that back. A lot has happened but ... well, let me explain. We'll start with Josh and how thing are with him and me. The last time I wrote I talked about how nervous I was to go to Easter church with his family. It was a really big step for me and I wasn't ready for it. Plus, its church and I don't have a lot of background with anything like that. Honestly, if you asked me today, I still don't think I would be ready for it. Its hard to explain because I really like Josh but I don't love him. I feel like I should try harder at that but I also don't want to. Not because he isn't a good guy or because he isn't that into me. I think he is - he definitely is - more into me than I'm into him and that's the problem. So, Josh and I date. He has his own apartment and sometimes I stay there after work when its late...

Ive been thinking over how to properly explain how amazing my  Christmas was. It only took me 6 weeks but I think I finally figured it out. I'm not sure you'll understand but I'm going to give it a shot anyway so bear with me. First, I decided to stand up to the crap that is going to Seattle one day, then home, then back to Seattle to fly out to Portland. What's that saying? ... Just say no? Yes! I said no to my parents and stayed home. In MY home with my own Christmas tree in my own house with my best friend and I loved every second of it. Its been a crazy few months with all of the boss drama at work and managing the money I got in my pretend law suit, but I knew two things I wanted to do from the get go.  First and foremost, I didn't want anyone knowing I had money. Only Quil Old Quil, and me. I still don't. The money is all put away now or invested in buying the Buzz, but its hidden and that's the way I want it. Now, back to my secret mission. I want...