Just Your Ordinary Shape Shifting Girl

I need to get all of my thoughts and feelings out and I don't have anyone I can tell who won't try to tell me again that I'm crazy or that I'm doing the right thing. There is so much going on inside my head and heart that shouldn't be and there isn't anything that feels right, no matter which way I look. Have you ever felt like no matter what you do, you're doing it wrong? Like making what is supposed to be the best, most logical and simplest choice is also the wrong choice? That's where I am right now. Josh and I are engaged. He asked me to marry him and I nodded yes with my head in a hurricane of thoughts that didn't completely connect to my head bobbing. He was looking at me with those clear blue eyes and he was so hopeful and happy and, well, I nodded. Josh would do anything for me and he has been more than forgiving with everything I have put him through. It's not like I have tried to be awful to him but if I'm honest, I have. It start...

I'm overdue on posting this, you're shocked, I know. I was going to write a different blog but in order to keep things in order, this one has to happen first. A ton has happened in my life lately and I owe it to everyone to at least try to keep things up to date here. Lets go back to November, back to Cabo and back to one of the best vacations I've ever taken - like the last time Quil and I went to Cabo a couple of years ago.  We have this annual birthday vacation thing going that is always the most fun I have all year. This year I wasn't sure it would happen since I've been dating Josh but Quil asked me to go to Cabo and I wasn't about to turn him down. We left Washington for a week in the sun to spend some time together doing whatever we wanted. Last time we went we were together and it was a different kind of trip but, despite what everyone expected, we are still super close. We live together and he is my best friend and so much more; I wouldn't have...

I'm going to have to back up to Easter and since its past the Forth of July now, a lot, and also nothing has happened. Actually, I take that back. A lot has happened but ... well, let me explain. We'll start with Josh and how thing are with him and me. The last time I wrote I talked about how nervous I was to go to Easter church with his family. It was a really big step for me and I wasn't ready for it. Plus, its church and I don't have a lot of background with anything like that. Honestly, if you asked me today, I still don't think I would be ready for it. Its hard to explain because I really like Josh but I don't love him. I feel like I should try harder at that but I also don't want to. Not because he isn't a good guy or because he isn't that into me. I think he is - he definitely is - more into me than I'm into him and that's the problem. So, Josh and I date. He has his own apartment and sometimes I stay there after work when its late...

So to get right down to it, I've been kinda, sorta seeing this guy who has been a friend of mine for a few years now. He's gorgeous and much nicer to me than he should be. He listens to me go on and on about stuff that literally no one cares about except me and pretends to be interested. He is sweet and fun to be around and I should be totally into him and in love. ..... But I'm not. I mean, I like him and he's really nice. We have fun together but I don't have that "zap" or those butterflies that I should have at this stage of the game. I'm doing my best to see if I can make things come around but when I look at Josh, I just see this guy who I don't want to hurt or say goodbye to but who I also know isn't who I need. I don't really know how to make you understand without giving examples so here. This is what I mean. He kisses me; I kiss his cheek. He asks me to come over and to stay and I crash on the couch. We haven't... you kno...

I'm one of those people who will do just about anything for my friends and that holds especially true if you're my best friend and I'm excited about being asked.  This is my view from the recliner after spending the evening with Embry, Hayley and Quil the other night... we'll see how different it looks from Quil's blog - which I'm sure will be around too. If you read my previous post then you already know the drama that is taking place between Quil and Embry over Quil's feelings for Embry's girlfriend, Hayley.  If you didn't read it.... go back, read it (and all the other posts) and catch up. There has been so much tension and grouchiness on both of their parts that patrol hasn't been a cake walk lately. They barely speak and the tension is ridiculous.  So... Embry wants Quil to be able to hang out with him and Hayley - which totally makes sense since he is his brother. But, on the other hand, Quil doesn't think he can handle being around ...

Its Halloween, which means weird and inexplicable things are BOUND to happen, right? I mean, ghosts and goblins and purple Jello shots will do that to people. Not to mention really sexy pirate costumes when your boyfriend has this scruffy pirate beard thing going on. And then you and your roommate find these super cute Ninja Turtle costumes that match! Oh, and then your boyfriends brother, he's going to bar tending school and needs to try out his skills. And fog. Don't forget the fog. ::headdesk:: So, that's the setup. Thursday night was the Halloween party that Quil and Embry had been planning for a few weeks. Seth, Collin and Brady were there with their band and so excited to be able to play. The decorations were up and the band was playing and there was fog. Lots and lots of fog - so thick that you had to swat it from your face and choked if you breathed too deeply, but it was really pretty perfect because Halloween is like that. Things are supposed to by mysterious an...

*Blows the dust off the long forgotten blog.* As promised, I'm going to write here. I'll be honest, a lot has happened since I last wrote and I'm not even going to attempt to catch everyone up. I'll just give you the here and now's of it all and go from there. I can honestly say, my life is at some immeasurable high point right now. Its good. No, its GREAT. I'm happy with my classes at school. I'm happy living with Leah in Forks. I'm happy with managing The Buzz. I'm with Quil, which seems so impossible and so perfect at the same time. It can't get any better, can it? And then I Skyped with my sister and BAM ... it got better. I'm going to be an aunt! *dies* Yeah, my sister (who lives in Germany with her iffy-at-best fiance) is preggo. According to her, she is about four months or something along which means that next spring, I'm going to have a new little bundle of baby to snuggle. Via Skype. Which kind of sucks, but I don't real...

I seriously haven't written here in THAT long? Damn.... I'm not even going to try to catch you up on everything you missed. Lets just say I'll try to start doing a better job, OK? I'll give you the nutshell version of what's happened since I got my memory back. I'm very much still with Quil. I finally told him I love him and he loves me. I moved out of my dad's house when he married his girlfriend and have an apartment in Forks. Leah moved in recently, so I could pay my rent and keep up with my college classes. Quil and I went to Mexico. It was definitely as great as it sounds. I will never look at a cantina the same way again. Seriously... there's too much to write, but you can go to Quil's blog to get all the details. I'm in there a little along with Claire and all that.