I'm not Me
Let me make one point clear. I'm not really the type to just sleep with someone, or mess around with someone on a whim. I don't just have accidents... normally. I mean, I guess last night wasn't TOTALLY like that but it was something along those lines. You know when you've just about taken all the insanity you can handle and you know you're ready to snap and suddenly reason goes out the door? It was like that. Plus liquor.
New Years Day I went to Seattle to try to figure out who I am now. I haven't felt like myself since Quil broke up with me, and lets be honest, that was two months ago. Two months that seem like forever ago, and still feels like yesterday. You can say I'm pathetic, but I'm not feeling any better. Its not like you can love someone enough to say you would marry them and have your heart just "fix" itself. It doesn't work like that.
Anyway, back to where I was. I went to Seattle to shop for baby clothes for my sister's baby. I spent the day with my mom and considered just staying. It seemed easier being away from La Push and away from him. After all, most of my life was IN Seattle and not in La Push, right? I should be able to settle back into that just fine and try to pick up the pieces. The thing is, the longer I was there, the more it felt... different. I was different and not just in La Push but in Seattle too. I left my mom's place to remember who I used to be.
My first stop was the alley just down from our apartment. If you remember, there were some strange deaths a few years back. The police attributed it to gang violence, and other stupid ideas like that. It was then, that I shifted the first time. It was then that I because what I am now. And it was the first time I wasn't just Willow Black - the sometimes quiet, sometimes crazy girl who dated Matt.
That stop led me to Matt's family. I knew they always played cards on New Year's Day and this year held true to tradition. I knocked, unsure of whether I would even be welcome after all this time and everything that went on between us. Not a lot of people know our history and its mostly my fault for not telling it. You see, Matt and I started dating when I was in high school and he was in college. He was this older, edgy, good looking guy who actually wanted to pay attention to this plain, unassuming high school junior. He was in a band and a fraternity and he charmed my mom, and me right away. We dated for two years. I lost my virginity to him. I learned how to stand up for myself. He was my one constant from my old life when I moved to La Push. And he's been gone for two years, so *shrugs*
I finally left Matt's family's house and went to the waterfront to just think. I needed to sort out who I am without Quil. I was there for only a few minutes when I heard my friend Krista call my name. She was beaming and she had this brand new shiny ring on her left hand. She asked me to be in her wedding and told me to make sure I bring Quil too. And there it was again. There he was again... and I knew I didn't fit in Seattle either.
I have spent so much time wallowing in my apartment. Its been alright to be just home, but I feel all wrong. I don't want to sing. I used to always sing. I don't want to go out - I have gone out, and once I get there, I'm happy I went. Like when this new guy, Jerry - who is Claire's dad asked me to come over for dinner. He's nice and alright to be around but he makes me think of Quil. I did go out with Euan and Sam and Seth came over for dinner. How can you NOT smile with him around. *Smiles just thinking about him.* He's Seth! And then there is Josh.
Josh and I have worked together for awhile now. He's a sweetheart and just wants to make me smile. He says all the right things at exactly the.... you know the song. I went to get my dress for Krista's wedding yesterday with Kim. When I got home, I had a message from Josh asking me to come over and hang out. I was already dressed and ready so I could find a reason NOT to go. And here's where it all goes downhill.... I should have stayed home.
We played cards and had a few drinks and watches a movie. At some point, his roommate Mike came home. He had been out with some friends and I had a decent buzz going on so when he suggested a game of poker, I was in. I figured I could play poker with the best of them - Matt taught me a long time ago and I'm pretty okay at it. Shyness had gone down with the ship and after an hour, I had them both down to boxers while I was only topless. Piece of cake... except we kept drinking.
Josh turned on some music and we started dancing. I'm not sure what set it off but I decided that I could give him a killer lap dance. I had him in his boxers in a chair and was on top of him when Mike decided that it was only fair if he got one too. Okay, I was up for that because that point, I was toast. I went over to give him his turn. He wasn't Josh and I really wasn't myself, so things heated up. It was just a lap dance but most lap dances don't move to kissing and grabbing. I can vaguely remember his hands on me and wanting him. Josh came over to pull me off - I was super drunk and Mike wasn't. I figured Josh wanted another one but he must have taken me to his room instead.
I can't remember how it all ended but Josh swears he took me to bed before it could get too out of hand with Mike. He's like that. *smiles* I woke up this morning in his bed scared to death that I had sex with Josh... then scared I slept with Mike too. Then sick because I couldn't remember and I still can't remember all of it. Apparently I ended the night crying to Josh about how messed up my life is and how messed up I was then ended with .... Quil.
So, where do I go from here? I'm trying. I'm really trying to go out and have fun and have a life but ever since I've been in La Push, he's been one of the biggest part of my life. I miss him so much and even drunk I can't forget. I need him and I think I have to find a way to get back to being comfortable around him or life as Willow is never going to be okay again.
New Years Day I went to Seattle to try to figure out who I am now. I haven't felt like myself since Quil broke up with me, and lets be honest, that was two months ago. Two months that seem like forever ago, and still feels like yesterday. You can say I'm pathetic, but I'm not feeling any better. Its not like you can love someone enough to say you would marry them and have your heart just "fix" itself. It doesn't work like that.
Anyway, back to where I was. I went to Seattle to shop for baby clothes for my sister's baby. I spent the day with my mom and considered just staying. It seemed easier being away from La Push and away from him. After all, most of my life was IN Seattle and not in La Push, right? I should be able to settle back into that just fine and try to pick up the pieces. The thing is, the longer I was there, the more it felt... different. I was different and not just in La Push but in Seattle too. I left my mom's place to remember who I used to be.
My first stop was the alley just down from our apartment. If you remember, there were some strange deaths a few years back. The police attributed it to gang violence, and other stupid ideas like that. It was then, that I shifted the first time. It was then that I because what I am now. And it was the first time I wasn't just Willow Black - the sometimes quiet, sometimes crazy girl who dated Matt.
That stop led me to Matt's family. I knew they always played cards on New Year's Day and this year held true to tradition. I knocked, unsure of whether I would even be welcome after all this time and everything that went on between us. Not a lot of people know our history and its mostly my fault for not telling it. You see, Matt and I started dating when I was in high school and he was in college. He was this older, edgy, good looking guy who actually wanted to pay attention to this plain, unassuming high school junior. He was in a band and a fraternity and he charmed my mom, and me right away. We dated for two years. I lost my virginity to him. I learned how to stand up for myself. He was my one constant from my old life when I moved to La Push. And he's been gone for two years, so *shrugs*
I finally left Matt's family's house and went to the waterfront to just think. I needed to sort out who I am without Quil. I was there for only a few minutes when I heard my friend Krista call my name. She was beaming and she had this brand new shiny ring on her left hand. She asked me to be in her wedding and told me to make sure I bring Quil too. And there it was again. There he was again... and I knew I didn't fit in Seattle either.
I have spent so much time wallowing in my apartment. Its been alright to be just home, but I feel all wrong. I don't want to sing. I used to always sing. I don't want to go out - I have gone out, and once I get there, I'm happy I went. Like when this new guy, Jerry - who is Claire's dad asked me to come over for dinner. He's nice and alright to be around but he makes me think of Quil. I did go out with Euan and Sam and Seth came over for dinner. How can you NOT smile with him around. *Smiles just thinking about him.* He's Seth! And then there is Josh.
Josh and I have worked together for awhile now. He's a sweetheart and just wants to make me smile. He says all the right things at exactly the.... you know the song. I went to get my dress for Krista's wedding yesterday with Kim. When I got home, I had a message from Josh asking me to come over and hang out. I was already dressed and ready so I could find a reason NOT to go. And here's where it all goes downhill.... I should have stayed home.
We played cards and had a few drinks and watches a movie. At some point, his roommate Mike came home. He had been out with some friends and I had a decent buzz going on so when he suggested a game of poker, I was in. I figured I could play poker with the best of them - Matt taught me a long time ago and I'm pretty okay at it. Shyness had gone down with the ship and after an hour, I had them both down to boxers while I was only topless. Piece of cake... except we kept drinking.
Josh turned on some music and we started dancing. I'm not sure what set it off but I decided that I could give him a killer lap dance. I had him in his boxers in a chair and was on top of him when Mike decided that it was only fair if he got one too. Okay, I was up for that because that point, I was toast. I went over to give him his turn. He wasn't Josh and I really wasn't myself, so things heated up. It was just a lap dance but most lap dances don't move to kissing and grabbing. I can vaguely remember his hands on me and wanting him. Josh came over to pull me off - I was super drunk and Mike wasn't. I figured Josh wanted another one but he must have taken me to his room instead.
I can't remember how it all ended but Josh swears he took me to bed before it could get too out of hand with Mike. He's like that. *smiles* I woke up this morning in his bed scared to death that I had sex with Josh... then scared I slept with Mike too. Then sick because I couldn't remember and I still can't remember all of it. Apparently I ended the night crying to Josh about how messed up my life is and how messed up I was then ended with .... Quil.
So, where do I go from here? I'm trying. I'm really trying to go out and have fun and have a life but ever since I've been in La Push, he's been one of the biggest part of my life. I miss him so much and even drunk I can't forget. I need him and I think I have to find a way to get back to being comfortable around him or life as Willow is never going to be okay again.
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