My Insides are Coming Out

I'm going to have to back up to Easter and since its past the Forth of July now, a lot, and also nothing has happened. Actually, I take that back. A lot has happened but ... well, let me explain. We'll start with Josh and how thing are with him and me.

The last time I wrote I talked about how nervous I was to go to Easter church with his family. It was a really big step for me and I wasn't ready for it. Plus, its church and I don't have a lot of background with anything like that. Honestly, if you asked me today, I still don't think I would be ready for it. Its hard to explain because I really like Josh but I don't love him. I feel like I should try harder at that but I also don't want to. Not because he isn't a good guy or because he isn't that into me. I think he is - he definitely is - more into me than I'm into him and that's the problem.

So, Josh and I date. He has his own apartment and sometimes I stay there after work when its late but up until a little over a week ago, we hadn't actually been... physical. *blushes* Okay, when I say that I mean we hadn't actually done anything that counts. I swore to myself that I wasn't going there with him and I meant it! I really did! And this is where I have to backtrack to May. This is where everything gets cloudy and my insides start to come out. Hang on with me. We're going for a ride.

Back in May, Quil asked me to go on a ride up down the coast with him. I always used to love going on bike rides with him when we were together and its been a long time so there was no way I was going to say no. He and I always have fun and YOU know how I am about him; I don't think he does. (Well, he probably does now but back in May, he didn't have a clue.) We drove down to Oregon. It was a beautiful day so we could go fast around the curves, I always get nervous and excited so I held on a little tighter. The wind was blowing his shirt up so I could feel his muscles move under my hands. I couldn't help it, and let myself relax and touch him like I wanted to. I lost some of the control that I had been keeping bottled up so tight for the last few years and it felt good. Actually, it felt great and normal and terribly right and VERY wrong at the same time. I mean, what about Josh! 

That was round one, but oh no.. it doesn't stop there. I'm on a roll ladies and gentleman. A highway to hell. A train wreck. A... I don't know but there is a lot more. Ready?

So moving on from Oregon, which I tried to do but I couldn't because we talked about it and howI was basically feeling on him because I wanted to, and apparently he was okay with it too, which shocked me. There is no way I really thought he was going to be alright with me touching him like that. A couple of weeks later Quil and Jake went out of town to some car and bike show. It was great and I was super happy to see Jake actually get out and do something besides patrol, work, take care of Ness, repeat - which is how he lives. He is steady and predictable and well, boring. *Laughs* He needed some fun and apparently he had it. They were doing their thing and that weekend, I had the house alone with Josh. He was anxious to be alone with me at my house for a change and with Quil gone, I was more okay with him staying over. It hasn't been anything that has been comfortable for me because I don't like Quil seeing me with him. Its weird, I know. I've always been freaked out about that stuff. Anyway, Josh stayed and it was still pretty much action free. *Blushes* I'm not trying to torture the guy, but you just heard me say that I'm trying to NOT go there. 

While the guys were at this car and bike show, they met some girls, of course, but also a guy who was interested in Quil's art. He's an AMAZING painter and had the opportunity to show off his skills to get some more work. He was supposed to use this model he met at the show who also happened to be named Willow. Whatever happened, and my theory is that angels were on my side and she disappeared for the night, she couldn't make it to model for him. Quil needed a model so he could figure draw and since we were both home for the night, he asked if I could help him out. There wasn't anything naked about it but it was one of the sexiest things I have ever done and also really fun. I got to watch him work and look at me like he was REALLY looking at me. Sure, it was part of the job but he needed to adjust how I was laying and where the tiny bikini was on me. Every time he touched me it was electric. I could feel his fingers even when he was drawing and wanted him to come back and do it again. He took a couple of pictures to work from and then it was over. I got up to go to bed and stopped. I wanted him to come to bed with me and it wouldn't have been near as innocent. I tried to say it and couldn't get the words out so I just smiled and said good night. I was awake for a really long time thinking about the way something so easy made me feel relaxed and on fire. 

So if you're still following along you've obviously seen my pattern. I have a really great, sexy boyfriend who is crazy about me and wants me and I'm like *fist bump*. And I have this really great, sexy best friend, ex, who I am crazy about and who is like *fist bump and a wink*. That brings us to the next round of Quillow problems and they just get bigger and better. I should also add that this isn't a new feeling for me but I am sure he is about to freak out, move out and never see me again. I have got to get myself on lock down again!

After the sketching session, Josh saw the drawings and was mad! Maybe rightfully so but really, Quil has seen me change for patrol and in a towel walking through the kitchen. He's seen me in a bikini 1000 times at the beach so it wasn't anything that new. I talked Josh through it and once he finally understood, things were fine again. So fine, actually that he planned a night for us to watch the 4th of July fireworks from his friends boat out on the water. When he came to pick me up, Quil was really mad about something and mostly ignored Josh and me. I get that he probably doesn't have a lot to say to Josh and Josh was definitely being possessive and an ass but it bothered me. Josh and I left for the marina to get on with his plans and honestly,  the whole thing was sweet of him and we had a nice night. The view from the water was amazing and Josh had food and drinks set up trying to make it really romantic and it was. 

Are you ready for the next round? I told you there was a lot of nothing. This is where nothing turns to something. I got home the next day. It was a late night and I was wondering what I did to make Quil so upset. He was still asleep and I decided to wake him up to find out. I went in his room and saw a missed text from Willow 2 on his phone. This annoyed me just enough to slap him on the ass to wake him up. As a reminder, Quil tends to sleep au natural.. which means naked nine times out of ten. He had a sheet on so it was no big thing but it stung when I slapped his ass and he woke up with a start. I sort of forgot that he wakes up on a camping trip if you know what I mean. I pretended to ignore it all because we really needed to talk about all the things that seemed to be building between us. I laid down beside him to be comfortable and started talking, it was easy and sometimes when we talk, I play with his fingers. There is something about him where when I'm touching him, I'm relaxed. Its not always some sexual thing, its an easy and comforting thing so I touched his stomach and, just like that, the room was buzzing. I could feel him tense up and his heart jump which made mine do the same thing. My jeans and tank suddenly felt two sizes too small and in the way so I knew it was time for me to move. I leaned up, wanting to kiss him so bad and stopped at the last second at the corner of his mouth. I was trying so hard to keep what was inside me right where it belonged. That's when he turned his face just enough that we kissed. Both of us jerked a little but neither one of us stopped. We kissed and it went from gentle to deep and needy in no time. I couldn't stop it. I was touching him and I wanted him. Everything was in the way and no matter what I did, I couldn't get close enough. I rolled on top of him, he was ready to take it further. Right when he had undone my jeans, he crazy freaking demon cat dropped a dead mouse on my head! I can't make this stuff up! In. My! HAIR!! That was the end of that and maybe I should thank her but mostly I wanted to kill her. So much for keeping the feelings on lock down, I guess. 

From that moment on, I couldn't think about anything but how much that kiss meant to me and how good he tasted. I wanted more and I was supposed to be feeling awful about Josh. I do feel awful about him but apparently not bad enough to tell him, break up or not do it again because I'm with still with him and don't have any idea how I'm supposed to deal with all of this, right? I don't want to hurt Josh at all. He's really great. What kind of girlfriend does this stuff and how did I end up just the next week pinned against he wall, kissing Quil and almost begging him to.... you know. Oh wait, I forgot to tell that part. 

We've been playing this awful game of hide and go see where I try to hide how I feel and the feelings come out. Quil tries to avoid me and we kiss. He runs away, my insides are coming back out because I miss him so much. Josh tries to find me and I'm avoiding him. Make that all come together at the most awkward diner night of my life and that's how you'll find us now. After the day of my quick make out with Quil in the hall (which was the THIRD TIME BY THE WAY) I left to go on my date with Josh. Needless to say, my head wasn't much into dinner. Quil was out with someone which was totally on my nerves that were already on fire from him, and I was with Josh. Andwhat goes better with distraction than wine. Lots of wine. Lots and lots of wine which leads to bad decisions all around. I broke my own rule. I stayed with Josh and it happened. I didn't say no and I'm not saying it was bad but the next morning I felt awful. I pretended to have the flu and went home super early to an empty house. I found a note from Quil saying that he needed to give me space. I don't want space and I don't want awkward. 

I went to dinner with Josh and the diner and it was terrible. I was pretending to be sick but honestly, I felt sick. I was nervous, mad at myself and sad. That's as bad as the flu from what I can remember. Quil and Embry came in to eat and I had no idea what to say. Josh invited them to sit with us and made a point to let them know that he finally got to sleep with me the night before. He was poking at Quil and I couldn't stand it. I felt my eyes burn and hurried to the bathroom. I can't even tell you how bad I wanted to sneak out the back door, or how much it meant to me when Quil came to check and make sure I was okay. I guess he could tell that I was really upset.  

We talked at the cliffs a couple of days later and he tried to explain to me that he didn't want to be the reason I broke up with Josh and I managed to keep most of what I was feeling and thinking inside. I don't think he knows that I would do anything at all to have him back... still... after all this time. I don't think he has any idea how hard I try to not let everything out or how hard it is for me to care about someone else when I compare them to him every time. I'm not stupid enough to ever think that anything would make us a couple again but those kisses were way too honest for me not to remember and want it. I really have to find away to shove all of these things back inside, to figure out what will happen with Josh and me to, most of all, to get my normal back. I miss my roommate/best friend/ex whatever. I miss kissing him.