Not Just A Dance
So to get right down to it, I've been kinda, sorta seeing this guy who has been a friend of mine for a few years now. He's gorgeous and much nicer to me than he should be. He listens to me go on and on about stuff that literally no one cares about except me and pretends to be interested. He is sweet and fun to be around and I should be totally into him and in love. ..... But I'm not. I mean, I like him and he's really nice. We have fun together but I don't have that "zap" or those butterflies that I should have at this stage of the game. I'm doing my best to see if I can make things come around but when I look at Josh, I just see this guy who I don't want to hurt or say goodbye to but who I also know isn't who I need.
I don't really know how to make you understand without giving examples so here. This is what I mean. He kisses me; I kiss his cheek. He asks me to come over and to stay and I crash on the couch. We haven't... you know. *Blushes* We go out and he holds my hand or touches my back and its okay but when I can tell it means more to him, I tense up and get so nervous that I want to get away. Maybe I'm broken but I think I know better what the issue is. My heart is sort of gone.
That's not some emo statement about not having feelings. Trust me, I have a LOT of feelings. I'm happy with my life and my decisions. I like dating Josh as a friend which, I guess, isn't really dating. Honestly, we used to chill on the couch and watch TV and laugh and joke around and now I feel like he is always hoping I'll give in and confess my undying love. We just dance around wondering if things will change. So far, the butterflies are still caterpillars and I'm not sure they aren't just earthworms.
Anyway, this isn't a sad blog. It's a happy blog. It's a sexy blog and it's a messy blog.
Finally, after being open since Halloween, Quil made it over to check out the new shop. We had the sound company come out and put the finishing touches on the equipment. We have been planning on having live music since we opened the shop and Josh and Embry worked hard to get it all ready so the cables and all the technical stuff could come together. It was late in the day when Quil finally came by, so I was ready to lock the door and close up but not without trying out the speakers and lights. We talked for a minute and started dancing, just having fun.
It started simple. Aerosmith was on and we talked about the bonfire with Claire and how great it was to have the pack together again. We laughed and moved closer and that hiccup in my chest and the buzzing in my stomach started when the next song got slower. I always do my best to hide those things from him and the best way to do that is to keep talking and laughing, and to not look too far into his eyes. I laid my hand on his arm and his was around on my lower back and the conversation changed to a dream he had a couple of nights before. The next thing I knew, we were close and dancing so slow and it wasn't just a dance anymore. It was me wanting to kiss him and feelings just under the surface.
I don't really know how to make you understand without giving examples so here. This is what I mean. He kisses me; I kiss his cheek. He asks me to come over and to stay and I crash on the couch. We haven't... you know. *Blushes* We go out and he holds my hand or touches my back and its okay but when I can tell it means more to him, I tense up and get so nervous that I want to get away. Maybe I'm broken but I think I know better what the issue is. My heart is sort of gone.
That's not some emo statement about not having feelings. Trust me, I have a LOT of feelings. I'm happy with my life and my decisions. I like dating Josh as a friend which, I guess, isn't really dating. Honestly, we used to chill on the couch and watch TV and laugh and joke around and now I feel like he is always hoping I'll give in and confess my undying love. We just dance around wondering if things will change. So far, the butterflies are still caterpillars and I'm not sure they aren't just earthworms.
Anyway, this isn't a sad blog. It's a happy blog. It's a sexy blog and it's a messy blog.
Finally, after being open since Halloween, Quil made it over to check out the new shop. We had the sound company come out and put the finishing touches on the equipment. We have been planning on having live music since we opened the shop and Josh and Embry worked hard to get it all ready so the cables and all the technical stuff could come together. It was late in the day when Quil finally came by, so I was ready to lock the door and close up but not without trying out the speakers and lights. We talked for a minute and started dancing, just having fun.
It started simple. Aerosmith was on and we talked about the bonfire with Claire and how great it was to have the pack together again. We laughed and moved closer and that hiccup in my chest and the buzzing in my stomach started when the next song got slower. I always do my best to hide those things from him and the best way to do that is to keep talking and laughing, and to not look too far into his eyes. I laid my hand on his arm and his was around on my lower back and the conversation changed to a dream he had a couple of nights before. The next thing I knew, we were close and dancing so slow and it wasn't just a dance anymore. It was me wanting to kiss him and feelings just under the surface.
Just then, I heard Josh clear his throat. I had forgotten that he was in the office and he came out when he heard the music. I stepped back and Quil left me there in the middle of a really awkward situation. I didn't want him to go and I didn't want to hurt Josh but the look on his face was anger and sadness and I felt bad, and I felt so good at the same time.
Josh and I talked over it and I explained again how it's Quil and it was nothing but just how we are but this was different because, for the first time, I didn't feel like it was all me.
Quil and I had a chance to talk a few days ago and since then he has been mostly MIA. I'm sure he is busy at work and doing his best to give me space or avoid me. It's never been easy with him and me and then again, it's never been anything but easy either. I'm sure we will be fine but that dance was so much more than a dance and I loved it.
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