Pushing
As usual, I have some serious catching up to do around here. Someone slap me and remind me to blog more often. I guess that I've been busy stretching myself between work, Josh and Quil, not to mention the pack stuff or trying to be me.
The last time I wrote anything in here I had just been on a little road trip with Quil. We took his motorcycle out and I might have let my feelings slip out just a little. I can't help it. They've always been just under the surface. Since that day, they have been harder and harder to keep to myself and what started out as me touching more than I should have has turned into making out a few times and some serious jealousy on my part last weekend.
The thing about it all is that I have absolutely no right to feel how I do. I also have no explanation as to why I feel so much for someone who is supposed to just be my best friend and ex at this point, and I have a boyfriend. To say its complicated is the understatement of the century but, this is my life.
A couple of weeks ago, Quil and I went out to get some pumpkins. There was this really great corn maze not too far from La Push that has great big turkey lets, apple cider and donuts. There are pumpkins, corn mazes and hay rides; its a perfect place for fall fun. Quil and I decided that the winner of the corn maze would buy the donuts so it was time to race. Now, I'm not the fastest wolf in the pack (that's Leah) but I'm strong. I don't know why I thought running through this mess was a good idea but I was determined to win. Quil and I took off as fast as we could, dodging families and middle school kids trying to scare little kids. I could hear him running down a different path than me and decided that the best way to win was to cut through the trail and apparently he though the same thing. We both turned the corner and slammed into each other, laughing, out of breath and flat out on the ground in the corn.
That's all it took. I could feel his heart beating and how he was breathing. He was pressed against me and we were laughing and then we were kissing. Not just kissing but kissing like we needed it. It was the kind of kiss where you know its going to build until it turns into more. If it weren't for the little kids with their parents that were only a few feet away, I swear I would have .... *blushes* Neither of us wanted to get kicked out for indecent exposure so we managed to stop, get our donuts and pumpkins and head home. I told Quil that night that I felt like my break from Josh was going to turn into a break up and I have to admit, my mind went into overdrive. I started thinking about things I've wanted since Quil broke up with me years ago for a quick minute and I knew I had to get that under control right then.
It was only a day later that I agreed to meet Josh for a "date" where I was planning on telling him that I really feel.. felt... umm... that we should just be friends. I was ready. I knew that we had pushed things as far as my heart would let them go and that, as much as I really like Josh, I don't have those feelings that I should have for him at this point. I finally got the words out and he said, he didn't accept. What? I think I just looked at him like he was crazy because how do you just not accept someone breaking up with you? I was about to find out.
Josh looked at me like he didn't hear anything I just said. He told me that he loved me, which, by the way, was the first time he has ever said that. He told me he wants me and that he knows he is the best thing for me. He pulled up all the hurt that I felt when Quil broke up with me years ago. He reminded me that he was the one who was there to pick me back up, who took care of me when I cried myself to sleep and that he know he could change my mind. I was sick from remembering all that again but more than that, I was angry that he would throw all of that in my face. The problem is that he was being so sweet; touching my face, kissing my forehead, smiling at me and making me feel like I should really consider him. What was I supposed to do? I agreed to give him another shot and told him I would try. As soon as I said it, I felt like my heart was ripped in two.
I have to give him one more change. I have to try to make it work and I'm working my ass off to force myself to care more than I do. I'm pushing it but what else do I do when I can't have anything else? This isn't what I want but maybe it's all that I'll ever have.
The last time I wrote anything in here I had just been on a little road trip with Quil. We took his motorcycle out and I might have let my feelings slip out just a little. I can't help it. They've always been just under the surface. Since that day, they have been harder and harder to keep to myself and what started out as me touching more than I should have has turned into making out a few times and some serious jealousy on my part last weekend.
The thing about it all is that I have absolutely no right to feel how I do. I also have no explanation as to why I feel so much for someone who is supposed to just be my best friend and ex at this point, and I have a boyfriend. To say its complicated is the understatement of the century but, this is my life.
A couple of weeks ago, Quil and I went out to get some pumpkins. There was this really great corn maze not too far from La Push that has great big turkey lets, apple cider and donuts. There are pumpkins, corn mazes and hay rides; its a perfect place for fall fun. Quil and I decided that the winner of the corn maze would buy the donuts so it was time to race. Now, I'm not the fastest wolf in the pack (that's Leah) but I'm strong. I don't know why I thought running through this mess was a good idea but I was determined to win. Quil and I took off as fast as we could, dodging families and middle school kids trying to scare little kids. I could hear him running down a different path than me and decided that the best way to win was to cut through the trail and apparently he though the same thing. We both turned the corner and slammed into each other, laughing, out of breath and flat out on the ground in the corn.
That's all it took. I could feel his heart beating and how he was breathing. He was pressed against me and we were laughing and then we were kissing. Not just kissing but kissing like we needed it. It was the kind of kiss where you know its going to build until it turns into more. If it weren't for the little kids with their parents that were only a few feet away, I swear I would have .... *blushes* Neither of us wanted to get kicked out for indecent exposure so we managed to stop, get our donuts and pumpkins and head home. I told Quil that night that I felt like my break from Josh was going to turn into a break up and I have to admit, my mind went into overdrive. I started thinking about things I've wanted since Quil broke up with me years ago for a quick minute and I knew I had to get that under control right then.
It was only a day later that I agreed to meet Josh for a "date" where I was planning on telling him that I really feel.. felt... umm... that we should just be friends. I was ready. I knew that we had pushed things as far as my heart would let them go and that, as much as I really like Josh, I don't have those feelings that I should have for him at this point. I finally got the words out and he said, he didn't accept. What? I think I just looked at him like he was crazy because how do you just not accept someone breaking up with you? I was about to find out.
Josh looked at me like he didn't hear anything I just said. He told me that he loved me, which, by the way, was the first time he has ever said that. He told me he wants me and that he knows he is the best thing for me. He pulled up all the hurt that I felt when Quil broke up with me years ago. He reminded me that he was the one who was there to pick me back up, who took care of me when I cried myself to sleep and that he know he could change my mind. I was sick from remembering all that again but more than that, I was angry that he would throw all of that in my face. The problem is that he was being so sweet; touching my face, kissing my forehead, smiling at me and making me feel like I should really consider him. What was I supposed to do? I agreed to give him another shot and told him I would try. As soon as I said it, I felt like my heart was ripped in two.
I have to give him one more change. I have to try to make it work and I'm working my ass off to force myself to care more than I do. I'm pushing it but what else do I do when I can't have anything else? This isn't what I want but maybe it's all that I'll ever have.
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