The Upside Down
I need to get all of my thoughts and feelings out and I don't have anyone I can tell who won't try to tell me again that I'm crazy or that I'm doing the right thing. There is so much going on inside my head and heart that shouldn't be and there isn't anything that feels right, no matter which way I look. Have you ever felt like no matter what you do, you're doing it wrong? Like making what is supposed to be the best, most logical and simplest choice is also the wrong choice? That's where I am right now.
Josh and I are engaged. He asked me to marry him and I nodded yes with my head in a hurricane of thoughts that didn't completely connect to my head bobbing. He was looking at me with those clear blue eyes and he was so hopeful and happy and, well, I nodded. Josh would do anything for me and he has been more than forgiving with everything I have put him through. It's not like I have tried to be awful to him but if I'm honest, I have. It started right after Quil broke up with me with a wild night of poker to forget how bad I was hurting and turned into me crying my eyes out and stopping us from going too far. Then there were the times that Quil and I kissed, and all that he knows about Quil and I and our past. From there, he was a friend at work who I grew closer to when I hired him to run the new location for The Buzz a couple of years back. He has been an ear when I need to talk, even when he was engaged to Kate. They still talk and I'm actually really happy about that because he was pretty upset when she left him. She said she wasn't ready to be married and she freaked out so he came to me. It was my turn.
If you don't know the story here, he moved out of their place and came to stay with Quil and me right after his engagement to Kate ended. He and I had fun hanging out at the house since Quil was busy dating someone and not around as much. Josh and I got closer and somehow we ended up dating. I really don't even know how it happened because, through everything, my heart has been tied up with one person: The only person who makes me feel like myself, who makes me happy down to my toes and who I know, no matter what, I can count on always. The one person who I can't have... so here I am.
I'm engaged to Josh and I feel like I'm living someone else's life. One time Quil asked me if I ever pictured what it would be like to marry him and I had to tell him that I never thought about all of that. I don't think I ever let myself go there with him because I always knew it would hurt me to think too much with so much of his life depending on how his relationship with Claire plays out. I wasn't ever going to ask him, no matter how much I wanted it, to choose me. How could I do that to someone who doesn't have control or to a little girl who I love so much too? Truthfully, I couldn't let myself think too much about it because I wanted it more than I ever should have.
On top of the imprinting question, I also had my mom telling me I never really needed to get married and that I should concentrate on being happy on my own. My parents split up when I was about two years old. She never remarried and hasn't dated anyone seriously since. I never understood because I'm crazy about my dad, but I think she got into my head. I wasn't ever the girl who looked at wedding dresses or imagined what I wanted my cake to look like, or what songs I would use. It hasn't ever mattered ... until now.
Now I have a future mother-in-law who wants to plan some fairy princess wedding with 1000 details that aren't me and I freeze. I picture myself in a wedding dress walking down to the aisle to Josh and my heart freaks out. It's the wrong picture. It doesn't give me butterflies. It doesn't lead me to imagine past the wedding to a life I would live as his wife; a life complete with wolves and vampires, a family I'm not sure I want to be a part of, a best friend I can't get out of my heart and a made-up explanation of why I may not ever have kids. I haven't even thought once about telling him about being a wolf! How could I agree to all of this and what do I do now?
Josh is ready to set a date. He wants me to go with his brother's girlfriend and our mothers and try on dresses. He wants a honeymoon spot. I don't want to break his heart and maybe he is exactly what I should want. I should be thrilled to have someone love me this much. I should to keep trying because I owe it to him to and according to my sister, I owe it to myself. But, if this is the life I deserve, I don't know what I did wrong.
Josh and I are engaged. He asked me to marry him and I nodded yes with my head in a hurricane of thoughts that didn't completely connect to my head bobbing. He was looking at me with those clear blue eyes and he was so hopeful and happy and, well, I nodded. Josh would do anything for me and he has been more than forgiving with everything I have put him through. It's not like I have tried to be awful to him but if I'm honest, I have. It started right after Quil broke up with me with a wild night of poker to forget how bad I was hurting and turned into me crying my eyes out and stopping us from going too far. Then there were the times that Quil and I kissed, and all that he knows about Quil and I and our past. From there, he was a friend at work who I grew closer to when I hired him to run the new location for The Buzz a couple of years back. He has been an ear when I need to talk, even when he was engaged to Kate. They still talk and I'm actually really happy about that because he was pretty upset when she left him. She said she wasn't ready to be married and she freaked out so he came to me. It was my turn.
If you don't know the story here, he moved out of their place and came to stay with Quil and me right after his engagement to Kate ended. He and I had fun hanging out at the house since Quil was busy dating someone and not around as much. Josh and I got closer and somehow we ended up dating. I really don't even know how it happened because, through everything, my heart has been tied up with one person: The only person who makes me feel like myself, who makes me happy down to my toes and who I know, no matter what, I can count on always. The one person who I can't have... so here I am.
I'm engaged to Josh and I feel like I'm living someone else's life. One time Quil asked me if I ever pictured what it would be like to marry him and I had to tell him that I never thought about all of that. I don't think I ever let myself go there with him because I always knew it would hurt me to think too much with so much of his life depending on how his relationship with Claire plays out. I wasn't ever going to ask him, no matter how much I wanted it, to choose me. How could I do that to someone who doesn't have control or to a little girl who I love so much too? Truthfully, I couldn't let myself think too much about it because I wanted it more than I ever should have.
On top of the imprinting question, I also had my mom telling me I never really needed to get married and that I should concentrate on being happy on my own. My parents split up when I was about two years old. She never remarried and hasn't dated anyone seriously since. I never understood because I'm crazy about my dad, but I think she got into my head. I wasn't ever the girl who looked at wedding dresses or imagined what I wanted my cake to look like, or what songs I would use. It hasn't ever mattered ... until now.
Now I have a future mother-in-law who wants to plan some fairy princess wedding with 1000 details that aren't me and I freeze. I picture myself in a wedding dress walking down to the aisle to Josh and my heart freaks out. It's the wrong picture. It doesn't give me butterflies. It doesn't lead me to imagine past the wedding to a life I would live as his wife; a life complete with wolves and vampires, a family I'm not sure I want to be a part of, a best friend I can't get out of my heart and a made-up explanation of why I may not ever have kids. I haven't even thought once about telling him about being a wolf! How could I agree to all of this and what do I do now?
Josh is ready to set a date. He wants me to go with his brother's girlfriend and our mothers and try on dresses. He wants a honeymoon spot. I don't want to break his heart and maybe he is exactly what I should want. I should be thrilled to have someone love me this much. I should to keep trying because I owe it to him to and according to my sister, I owe it to myself. But, if this is the life I deserve, I don't know what I did wrong.
Comments
Post a Comment