We Work Together

It's not a secret that I don't date. I've been set up and encouraged to go out with guys by Kim, Quil, girls at work, my mom, my sister and honestly... I don't want to. I'm not comfortable with it because of who and what I feel. I'm sure people think it's some kind of defect but I promise, it isn't something that feels bad to me. It feels honest and true to myself, but there is this guy I work with... 

This is Josh. 

I hired Josh several years ago when I first purchased the coffee shop in Forks. He's smart, funny, good looking and a really great friend. Actually, you can read about him in an old blog I wrote. Don't take it the wrong way, that was a TERRIBLE time in my life and what I wrote about hasn't ever happened again or gone further. Josh hasn't ever been anything but great to me. We laugh and the whole time he was with his girlfriend who turned into his fiance, I was his sounding board and he has always been mine when I need another ear for work stuff. I couldn't run two coffee shops without him and depend on him daily. Naturally, when his fiance decided to end things and he needed a place to stay, I let him crash at our house. 

At first I was worried what Quil would think having someone else in the house but he was great about it. It was easy for Josh to come and go to work and it's not like he was starving all the time and eating all our food like another wolf would be. We chilled out and watched movies at night and when he found an apartment, I went with him to check it out. He was only there for maybe two weeks and out on his own.

Since he has moved out, things have changed a little between us: or at least for him I think. I mean, he really is great but I'm still struggling to feel like I want to be with him. I don't. I mean I do but I don't. I want to be around him and hang out and have fun but I don't want him to be how he has been lately. Let me explain.

Josh asked me to go to a New Year's party. I didn't have any plans and knew Quil would be gone so I said sure. It was awkward since he was the only person I knew there and everyone else was already drinking and knew each other. I had a couple of drinks at the most and talked with mostly Josh and a couple of other guys who were playing cards. When midnight came, we were all dancing and wating for the ball to drop so it wasn't a surprise when Josh kissed me. I didn't try to stop him and it was a good kiss. It wasn't one of those kisses that you immediately know is just a precursor to more. It wasn't too long or too short and not too intense just really good. I liked it and apparently he did too because he told me the week after he kept thinking about it and wanting to do it again.

Josh found a coffee seminar thing in New York City that he wanted to go to and convinced me it was a good idea. I hadn't ever been to New York before and neither had Josh. We found a big hotel suite with two bedrooms in one room. The view was amazing and it was an easy walk to the convention and to some really good shopping and restaurants.  At the convention we tried all kinds of new coffee roasts and desserts and came up with some great new menu items for the coffee shops - it was totally worth the trip but I could tell by the way Josh would touch my back or put his arm around me that it wasn't the whole reason we were there. 

On the last full day, Josh asked me to spend the day with him on a date; not as convention friend but an actual date date. I was hesitant but agreed. Josh took me to some little hidden away places that people at the convention told him about. We had dinner and walked through Central Park and finally went back to the hotel (to seperate beds) late in the evening to catch our early flight out the next day. It was nice. It was fun and I was a nervous wreck the whole time. Just thinking about it again now makes me nervous. 

I really can't say enough great things about Josh and New York was amazing but really not a place I want to visit again soon. I like cities but it was too much for me and I missed the quiet of home. Josh and I have hung out a little since we have been back and he has asked me to spend more time with him. Its hard to say no but hard to say yes too so we'll see what happens. For now, we work together and he's a good kisser and that's all there is to it.