Just Your Ordinary Shape Shifting Girl

I need to get all of my thoughts and feelings out and I don't have anyone I can tell who won't try to tell me again that I'm crazy or that I'm doing the right thing. There is so much going on inside my head and heart that shouldn't be and there isn't anything that feels right, no matter which way I look. Have you ever felt like no matter what you do, you're doing it wrong? Like making what is supposed to be the best, most logical and simplest choice is also the wrong choice? That's where I am right now. Josh and I are engaged. He asked me to marry him and I nodded yes with my head in a hurricane of thoughts that didn't completely connect to my head bobbing. He was looking at me with those clear blue eyes and he was so hopeful and happy and, well, I nodded. Josh would do anything for me and he has been more than forgiving with everything I have put him through. It's not like I have tried to be awful to him but if I'm honest, I have. It start

Once upon a time there was a handsome prince with dark curls and a killer grin. His charm and smile, his sensitivity and the way he looked at the girl melted her heart and stole her soul. She fell in love with the prince and he loved her too. And he left her and her heart broke. The prince and the girl spent days and weeks and years being closer than anyone thought they could ever be after letting go of something that was so right to one and so wrong to the other, and the girl never got her heart or her soul back. And then came the good looking guy who helped her pick up the pieces, made her laugh when she didn't know if she could and helped her build her business. He loved her very much and she thought he was super nice. Such is my life..... I swore after the corn maze at Halloween that I was going to end things with Josh. He loves me and he is sweet to me and I don't ever want to hurt him but what we learned on from the blog before this is that I made out with

I'm overdue on posting this, you're shocked, I know. I was going to write a different blog but in order to keep things in order, this one has to happen first. A ton has happened in my life lately and I owe it to everyone to at least try to keep things up to date here. Lets go back to November, back to Cabo and back to one of the best vacations I've ever taken - like the last time Quil and I went to Cabo a couple of years ago.  We have this annual birthday vacation thing going that is always the most fun I have all year. This year I wasn't sure it would happen since I've been dating Josh but Quil asked me to go to Cabo and I wasn't about to turn him down. We left Washington for a week in the sun to spend some time together doing whatever we wanted. Last time we went we were together and it was a different kind of trip but, despite what everyone expected, we are still super close. We live together and he is my best friend and so much more; I wouldn't have

As usual, I have some serious catching up to do around here. Someone slap me and remind me to blog more often. I guess that I've been busy stretching myself between work, Josh and Quil, not to mention the pack stuff or trying to be me. The last time I wrote anything in here I had just been on a little road trip with Quil. We took his motorcycle out and I might have let my feelings slip out just a little. I can't help it. They've always been just under the surface. Since that day, they have been harder and harder to keep to myself and what started out as me touching more than I should have has turned into making out a few times and some serious jealousy on my part last weekend. The thing about it all is that I have absolutely no right to feel how I do. I also have no explanation as to why I feel so much for someone who is supposed to just be my best friend and ex at this point, and I have a boyfriend. To say its complicated is the understatement of the century but, this

I'm going to have to back up to Easter and since its past the Forth of July now, a lot, and also nothing has happened. Actually, I take that back. A lot has happened but ... well, let me explain. We'll start with Josh and how thing are with him and me. The last time I wrote I talked about how nervous I was to go to Easter church with his family. It was a really big step for me and I wasn't ready for it. Plus, its church and I don't have a lot of background with anything like that. Honestly, if you asked me today, I still don't think I would be ready for it. Its hard to explain because I really like Josh but I don't love him. I feel like I should try harder at that but I also don't want to. Not because he isn't a good guy or because he isn't that into me. I think he is - he definitely is - more into me than I'm into him and that's the problem. So, Josh and I date. He has his own apartment and sometimes I stay there after work when its late

You may remember, if you've known me for awhile now, that I didn't grow up in La Push. I was born here but my parents divorced when I was barely two years old and my mom took me to live in Seattle with her and my older sister Layla. I came back for holidays and over the summers to stay with my dad, but most of my life was spent in Seattle until I shifted for the first time when I was in high school. My mom knew the legends that were never shared with me since I didn't grow up on the rez and sent me back home to live with my dad. All in all, I had a good childhood but not a "traditional" one for a lot of people. I lived in an apartment in a city with my mom who never remarried, or even dated much. I had friends at school and one of those friends took me to church with her a couple of times when I would spend the night on a Saturday night. I didn't grow up knowing much about anything religious or tribal. Don't feel bad, I don't feel like a lost soul but