Its Finally Time

I feel like I finally have the composure and energy to write this blog that has been weighing on my mind for a week now. Last Sunday, Matt went to Second Beach to hang out with Jake and Sam. They were having some guy time and getting to know each other better since Matt was such a huge part of my life. I am so lucky to have family that loves me enough to accept someone like Matt. I know he wasn't their favorite guy in the world, but they were willing to give him a chance and thats what counts. Anyway, while they were there, Matt must have decided that he needed to man up and jump. I don't know what he was thinking because the cliffs at Second Beach are higher and more dangerous than those at First Beach and he didn't like the jump he did there with me. He made his way up the cliffs and jumped. He must have not jumped out far enough because somewhere he hit his head on a rock. His family told me that he didn't suffer long and that a recovery would have been impossible with the extent of his injuries. Jake and Sam pulled him out of he water and called the paramedics who pronounced his death there on the beach.

While all of this was going on, I was blissfully unaware just hanging out with Quil and Claire building sandcastles. We gathered shells and feathers and were making the walls when Sam called to tell me the news. At first I didn't believe him but when I finally heard the tone of his voice and what he had said, all I could do was sit. The worst part of the whole thing was that I couldn't bring myself to just let go. Poor little Claire was right there and I didn't want to scare her so I tried to hold it together as best I could until she left. I can't remember much of what happened after that. I just remember feeling hollow and sick and dazed all at the same time. I am so glad that Quil was there to just stay with me. I didn't want to go home and have to explain my tears to my dad so I went to Quil's house and stayed there that night. He was so sweet and just held me and let me cry. I feel awful that I ruined his night with Claire at the beach. I hope that I can make it up to them sometime soon.

So, this past week as been an emotional rollercoaster. One minute I'm feeling great and almost normal, the next something trips me up and I'm crying again. I am really ready to go back to the diner in the morning and get back in to a normal routine. I just want to feel like myself again. I'm getting there. The pack had a great night going to see Harry Potter and then getting tattoos - mine is on my foot and I love it. *The pic. is on my page*. It was also great to just swim and hang out at the beach last night. Being able to run patrol... you know NORMAL everyday life stuff.

So, to make things move forward, I went back to the cliff where Matt jumped and had a little heart to heart with him. I laid it all out for him. I told him about being a wolf, about stealing his research, about missing him and I said my last goodbye. Its amazing what just being able to say those words did for me. I know he could hear me and that he wouldn't want me to mope around so I'm not going to. I'm getting there. I can start to feel more and more of myself coming back every day.

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